posted on Monday, September 04, 2006 by I wear a shoe string around my left wrist. I have for the last five or six years, it's a piece of shoe string from the racing-spikes I wore when I ran at State Finals my senior year of high school for Cross Country. I guess I wear it to remind myself of the four long years of training and discipline it took to lead me to those short 17 minutes and 6 seconds.
My shoe string is wearing thin, it's double-knotted in places it's unraveled and pinched together with a few lines of the metal that are inside the little plastic bag ties from grocery stores. I guess lately I 'feel' like it looks - worn thin, held together with double-knots and pieces of flimsy wire.
But I suppose the way I feel now is the very reason I wear this string, I'm in the middle of, not training, but, a project that is drawing upon discipline and patience I sometimes feel I don't have.
Amanda told me tonight that lately I've been lethargic... bored... and I suppose unambitious, she didn't use that word but it's probably true. I feel bored, especially with 'Pedal', not bored of the idea, not bored of film itself, but bored of the build-up. After I announced publicly that the film's producer was out, and after I posted a rough-edit of some footage I had been working on, I received an email back from Matt, the ex-producer. Basically saying he very much liked what I had edited, and that he felt I should do the film myself and my way, and that he might just find a way to pay for it.
Since then, over a month ago, I've been wasting the days, killing time, waiting to see if the blank check for the film arrives or not. And it's burning me out. Maybe I feel like I'm waiting for something that will, unintentionally, take away a piece of 'Pedal' that I want to earn. I'm not sure what it is. I'm not sure if it has to do with anything really. Sorry to be so vague, but I'm mostly thinking out-loud.
I think I need to focus on other aspects... of 'Pedal'... of my day-to-day. I need to keep "training", I need to feel self-disciplined - not dependent and in-limbo.
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I actually kind of noticed that about you. I figured in a way you had a writer's block towards Pedal. You worked so hard to plan for your trip, did the trip, filmed what you wanted and then came back and was told you need to re-film it, and was told you were losing your producer. It took a lot of work to do what you did and maybe you're just not ready this second to do it again, or continue it.
7:30 AM, September 04, 2006The thing is you need heart to do something like Pedal. Sometimes forcing yourself to do something will kickstart that ambition. If you start editing again and you still don't feel that passion you should have, then you need to wait for it to come to you.
That's what I do when it comes to me writing. I don't know. I hope this helped.
Sometimes it helps to walk away for a little while and then come back to it. Kind of refreshes you so you can start again. Just hang in there Mike, we all know you can do this project!
1:06 PM, September 04, 2006Love
Aunt Bon
They're right, just step back for a little while, your passion for this project will come back to you. I think you were being pulled in so many different directions and had so many other people's ideas that you lost what you really wanted to do. So YOU need to this project...
7:11 PM, September 06, 2006i wasn't going to say anything.. but i have to.
2:01 AM, September 08, 2006my comment to you that night before you wrote this had nothing at all to do with pedal... but i guess that's how you took it.
i mention that you seem lethargic and bored lately and you automatically think of pedal.
i wonder why you don't see the conection with the other, non-work realated, aspects of your life.
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